Educational facts about Canada

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Dark_Dominion
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Post by Dark_Dominion » Thu Jan 26, 2006 7:50 pm

Canada, also known as Canadee, Canadia, America's Hat, Canuckstan, or The Shizzle North of Hizzle, but more commonly known as the Great White North, is situated somewhere near the inconsequential continental U.S.A., and slightly south of the North Pole. The United Nations has managed to narrow it down further to not only north of California, but also up, eh?

To answer the question the entire world is asking, yes, Canada has an Army, and no, Canada doesn't know about it. Canadians are known for their peacefulness and politeness in distressing situations, such as during a war or hockey playoffs. The world looks to Canada for international peace-keepers, since they possess no weapons other than snow shovels, and their jovial accent and flannel clothing are comforting.

The unanimously agreed upon capital of Canada is Toronto, although a small number of government offices are located in the far less important city of Ottawa. Proposals made entirely and only by Torontonians have been made to move said offices to Toronto, but have yet to be approved. The city has considered separating from the country because of this. The rest of Canada, meanwhile, continues to think that Toronto "blows" and that the city's curling team, the Leafs, "suck".

ed. note: Normally for Canada "unanimous" means "the province of Ontario and part of Quebec", but in this case "unanimous" means "people from Toronto". Toronto (population 10,458) is a native word meaning, "The King of Kensington". As "The King of Kensington" was an alleged "sitcom" about an overweight shopowner in the Kensington area of Toronto the rest of Canada watched "The Beachcombers" instead, since it was about beaches and combs.

Geography

To speak of Canada's geography is to speak of the great swells of beaver that infest the land. Claims regarding topography are simply guesswork, as the mass of beaver quite literally covers the entire country and is constantly shifting. Unfortunately for Canadian geographers (Gordy and Clark) the Canadian Royal Mounted Government of Canada has declared the beaver the nation's primary national defense system (the Canadian Armed Forces of Canada, being unarmed, unclothed and unsober, aren't all that useful). Attempts to penetrate the beaver-mass have only resulted in bloodshed and the great Maple Syrup vs Maple Sugar wars of 1946, 1949 and 1952. These are unrelated to the Maple Syrup vs Maple Sugar war of 1948 that was started by a disagreement over whether Red Green was funny or not.

ed. note: The "nots" won. The Red Green Show (later called The New Red Green Show and The New New Red Green Show) was on for forty-three more seasons anyway, despite the fact that it is impossible to watch Red Green on a black & white television.

Measuring the beaver depth with sonar experiments was tried, but Pamela Anderson-Lee-Rock-Lee was quoted as saying, "Not tonight honey, I have a headache". Lacking any evidence whatsoever to substantiate their claim, prominent beaver geologists Jean, Manon and Fran?ois from Abitibi theorize that the actual land of Canada starts about 7 feet under the level of the ocean, and that the massive weight of beavers has slowly pushed the majority of the country below sea level. Additionally they say that the beaver mass has pushed the majority of sea level below sea level, thus robbing the Netherlands of their God-given right to have seas to drain and make polders out of, eh.

"Le Canada? Quelques arpents de neige... On ne sauve pas les ?curies quand le feu est ? la maison."

~ Voltaire on Canada

An early French remark about Canada dismisses it as "a few acres of snow". This, of course, is a gross understatement as it is common knowledge today that Canada is 99% uninhabitable by any creature other than Polar Bears, snowmen, and the famed Canadian Moose.

Politics

Canada's political system is unique mix of home grown political ideologies blended with some basic principles imported from Great Britain and the United States that combine to what could best be described as a democratic farce. That is to say, Canada is in fact a dictatorship. The ruling party is the Liberal Party of Canada, which is "elected" in consecutive five year terms. Each term is refered to as "the five year plan", the crux of which is, after being elected they have five years to figure out (or "oot" as Canadian stereotypes say) how to get elected again.

The leader of the party and thus the country, known as the "Prime Minister" is drawn from a small pool of party elites, cronies that have worked their way up the patronage ladder over a period of twenty to thirty years. Usually by the time they reach office they are just aboot senile, eh. This is of little consequence, however, as the Prime Minister's office is usually interested in little more than patronage appointments, perks, and creating a "legacy" (see Meech Lake, African Debt Relief, National Daycare, hanging out with Bono, the "Eh Initiative", the Great Canadian Penguins and Nunavut Smooze-in, etc). The Prime Minister has the power to appoint approximately 2.5 million other officials, including every member of the cabinet, senate, privy council, supreme court, CBC board of directors, Newfoundland park council, Hamilton quilting society, and Canadian royal family (the latter of whom are also recognized as the titular figureheads of the United Kingdom, as an act of voluntary British subserviance).

In fact every Canadian citizen has one form of government job or another.

ed. note:' Currently the posts for Member of Cabinet for West Edmonton (North) and Minister in Charge of Picking Up After Yourself are vacant. Applicants can send resumes to the Department of Canadian Government Jobs and Snowshoes Canada. No fatties.

One curious fact about Canadian government: in contrast to Article II of the US Constitution which requires that the US President be born in the US, Canadian law states that it's head of state must be born in Quebec. However, as with all so-called Canadian "laws", it's more of a suggestion, so if one or two Canadian Prime Ministers turn out to not be from Quebec, they're sorry, eh.

Economy

The backbone of Canadian exports used to be Celine Dion, along with abundant lumberjacks, rocks, and sticks. The frontbone on the other hand was formed of bacon bits and gnarly cheese products.

Copywriting the word "eh" was also a huge boom to the economy. Sadly for Canadians worldwide, "eh" has fallen into the public domain, thus depriving them of beer money.

ed. note: Canadian money has a picture of Queen Elizabeth II, who is actually Queen of some other country, not Canada. This only applies to the back, as the front is resplendent with animals such as the loon, beaver, moose, kids playing hockey, or long gone national symbols such as the Bluenose, Anne of Green Gerbils and various dead white guys.

The Canadian Dollar, a piece of metal with little to no monetary value, is affectionately called "the Loonie." There is a good reason for this. It has nothing to do with birds (although both contain chocolate if you peel off the outer coating).

Canada is also the only country with currency to feature a queen with a bear behind.

ed. note: The above joke is funnier when spoken: it loses the pun when writ.

Currently the primary export of Canada is beaver pix. Other exports include;

* beer
* the weed
* "Famous" people -
o Pamela Anderson
o Capt. Kirk
o the "Greens" -
+ Red
+ Lorne
+ Tom
o Halloween's Mike Myers
o Terrance and Philip
* tree byproducts -
o maple syrup
o maple sugar
o poutine
o Kraft Dinner
* cold water products -
o snow (both plain and yellow)
o ice (excluding vanilla)

Tourism

Saskatoon, Saskatchewan hosts it's "Annual Beaver Fever Days" during the three days in summer when it doesn't snow. The A.B.F.D. involves drunk ladies showing drunk men their "upper girly parts" and the men giving giving the ladies scarves in return.

ed. note: Canadians have no words for tits/boobs/knockers. Instead the CDGPC (Canadian Department of Girly Parts of Canada) has dubbed them "upper girly parts". There are, however, more than one hundred Canadian words for "vagina" which, with the exception of "beaver", are all far too filthy to print here.

Toronto, Ontario used to host an event similar to the A.B.F.D., the major difference being the substitution of scarves for syphilis.

The remainder of Canada is currently closed due to renovations. These improvements include the ongoing battle with the polite but deadly beaver, the creation of legitimate Beaver Reserves and (although gambling in any form remains illegal) beaver-themed casinos. These changes hope to lure more Americans across the border, using the sinful combination of real beer and strippers that get naked all over as bait. Success of the beerbaiting will be cheered by both sides of the border as The American Tourist is approaching endangered status due to their charm not translating well in foreign countries. Also, the Canadian Parliament of Canada ("parliament" being an archaic british term meaning roughly, "$3 whore in a $3,000 suit") requires american currency to purchase Blackcat firecrackers and Bottlerockets from the Mexicans to fulfill their 1966 election promise of increased cold war military spending.

ed. note: The Canadian Parliament of Canada is not related to "George Clinton and Parliament Funkadelic" which is far too cool for Canada.

History

Canada has a history: hundreds of years of trees, rivers, wheat, french guys, english guys, war, the Indian Act, etc. See Canada/History for a more interesting, but less true version of Canadian History.
[edit]
Recent History

The U.N. says that Canada is the best non-Scandanaviaoan/Australiaite/Luxembourgish country in the world to live; Canadians agree because to Canada the U.N. embodies the highest ideals of democracy - it gives everyone a voice, it rules entirely by committee and is therefore completely impotent (just like Canada).

Canada has slowly been moving away from the States in all things (except for minor things like trade/culture/language/etc.), and is thusly becoming a country with pride for its beaver and moose population. Canada is, in fact, well on its way to surpassing Mexico as the world's best nation that shares a land border with the USA. Many Americans find it quite humo(u)rous have no jealously despite this fact, and as a pointless waste of time spend many hours creating tiresome anti-beaver websites trying to be funny, when they really are not.

The American Canadian War

After years of conflict America finally tired of Canada's "Hippy Pinko Bullshit", and Canada decided they were tired of America's pesky attempts at world cultural domination. So the dogs of war were released and the American army pushed north, brutally slaughtering literally tens of Canadian soldiers during beaver fever.

This, of course, angered Canadians to the point of apology.

Unfortunately American forces continued to push north, accidently knocking over a T.V. antenna in the process. This led to the population of the entire city of Winnipeg (all 16 of them) missing the final period of a Jets/Nordiques game.

Pushed past the point of politeness, Winnipeg then pushed back, forcing the invading army back with snow shovels and rude french words. Luckily the antenna was fixed before the angry mob of hosers managed to reach Mexico, as the Winnipegians promptly apologized and took the Americans back to a bar in Winnipeg for beers and hockey highlights.

The Canadians then burned down the White House. This part of history has conveniently been forgotten by both countries; the Americans out of shame, the Canadians because it, as a witness reported after the incident, "We were friggin' wrecked at the time 'cus I had a flat of O'keefes', then Bill came with a keg and before you know it we were into the Canadian Crown. It wasn't a very nice thing to do and we're sorry, eh?".

This torching is not to be confused with the unrelated burning of the same building in the War of 1812 (see Canada/History for more information), as that actually happened.

Denmark vs. Canada?

Although the highly anticipated Danish-Canadian War has not taken place yet, it is certain that a lot of hostility will take place, as Canada and Denmark both claim the rights to Hans Island. Also, they both claim exclusivity to being polite and being ignored by America.

Both countries are currently upgrading nuclear arsenals (Denmark's using wind power and Canada's are powered by old snowmobile batteries) and resetting alarm clocks (although Canada's alarm clock is broken).

Canada's army (Bob, Larry, and two guys named Ted) is reportedly bullish about the possibility of war, but about actual war, not so much. It's unknown at this time if the Denmarkians are ready for war, as the Canadianites don't have a Demarkish translator, that position being lost in the last round of budget cuts.

The CBC reports that the Canadian prime minister has declared that Danishes are from now on to be called "freedom pastries".

The King of Denmark replied in turn, changing Canadian bacon to "freedom bacon".

More details will follow as events unfold...

Quotable Quotables

Sally Hemings: "Tomtom, are you awake?. I want to go to Canada."

Thomas Jefferson: "No baby, you wouldn't like Canada. They don't value freedom like us."

"I?m going to fucking bury that country, I have done it before, and I will do it again. I?m going to fucking kill Canada."

~ Steve Ballmer on Canada

"I?m going to say, 'I'm sorry' to that guy. I have done it before, and I will do it again. I?m going to be nicer to Steve Ballmer."

~ Canada on Steve Ballmer

"Wow, and I thought peanuts were boring."

~ Jimmy Carter

"Canada? Now that's scary."

~ Stephen King

"Canadians are crazy... and believe me, I know nuts."

~ Pat Buchanan

"Canada: the wet blanket on the wild party that is North America."

~ Anonymous

"That's the country where we can get married, right?"

~ Oscar Wilde, Liberace, Elton John, and a Cast of Thousands...

"In Soviet Russia, guard stands on you!"

~ Yakov Smirnoff

"54-40 or fight!"

~ James Polk's campaign slogan

ed. note: We didn't make that one up. Sometimes truth can be stranger than fiction (and scarier too).

"Canada: The place where trees live."

~ Albert Frost

Canadian Inventions

Basketball

James Naismith invented basketball in 1891ish. Like all successful Canadians, he did this after moving to America. Canadians celebrate his resounding success by not being good at the game at all.

The Robertson Screwdriver

Vodka and orange juice, in a square glass.

Electric Light Bulb

Henry Woodward invented the electric light bulb in 1874. He then sold the patent to Thomas Edison, who made an assload of money on it.

Goalie Mask

Invented by Jaques Plante in 1960 after taking too many pucks to the face. No one knows who invented the cup.

Zipper

Gideon "Skeeter" Sundback invented the zipper in 1913, ruining the market monopoly enjoyed by the "button fly" and making men afraid of pants ever since.

Supergun

Gerald Bull invented the supergun. It was described as, "A gun, right? Only bigger." He was rumoured to have be killed by Isreali agents after selling one to the then ally, the benevolent and cuddly Saddam Hussein, who had planned, shockingly, to use it to blow shit up (specifically Israel, but non-specifically any Easter Mediterranean Jewish nations that stood within range of the westward pointing supergun - including Israel).

Canadians the world over, but especially the ones from Canada, are shockingly shocked that someone would use something called a "supergun" to shoot things.

Famous Canadians

Famous Canadians include:

* Barenaked Ladies
* Steve Nash, famous for being an albino with eyes that are way too far apart
* Alexander Graham Bell, Canadian, Irishman and American
* Canadian Tire Guy and the spooky/irritating Canadian Tire Couple
* Casey and Finnegan, puppets and shapers of destiny
* Red Green
* General Groove
* Jack Layton, Burton Cummings and the guy who played the cop on the Beachcombers, actors, rock trio and co-inventors of the mustache
* Avril Lavigne, pop/punk princess and bowel irritant
* John A. MacDonald, inventor of Canada
* Mike Myers (the comic actor, not the Haddonfield serial killer)
* Pope Pontificem
* Bob and Doug McKenzie
* Rush, elementary school dance sensations and guest stars on The Trailer Park Boys
* The Trailer Park Boys, documentary series that proves your life isn't so bad
* Sarah Polley, hottie and star of a string of hilarious comedies where she doesn't survive
* Max Pointy
* Floyd Robertson & Earl Camembert
* Mr. Spock, half Vulcan, of course
* William Shatner
* Keifer Sutherland, a.k.a. Tommy Douglas
* That guy who died on that mountain
* Alan Thicke, the Canadian Ken doll
* Alex Trebek, host, pitchman and smarter than you
* Pierre Trudeau, prime minister, not prime minister, prime minister again and smarter than you
* Al Waxman
* Winnie the Pooh, named after Winnipeg and feces
* Wolverine
* Belinda Stronach, hottie
* The Spruce Girls, girl-pop sensation
* James LaBrie

Major Cities

* Surrey, BC
* Edmonton, AB
* Ottawa, ON
* Calgary, AB
* Dildo, NF
* Happy Valley Goose Bay, NF
* North Battleford, SK
* St. Louis, MO
* Mont-Laurier, QC
* Fort-Coulonge, QC

ed. note: Due to the Golden Horseshoe Preservation Act of 2005, Toronto is no longer to be classified as anything other than a state of mind. Also, Statistics Canada defines a "major city" as any village with an NHL team or, failing that, any village that once had an NHL team but lost it to a bigger, richer city in the USA.

Smallest Cities

* Flin Flon, MB
* Pontmain, QC
* Terrace Bay, ON
* Ethelton, SK
* That Town Over There, SK

ed. note: Statistics Canada defines a "small city" as any village that wants an NHL team or, failing that, any village that had an NHL team, but lost it when the town Zamboni broke.

Animals

* Bearatross (known in Canada as polar bears)
* Killer Moose
* The Raccoons
* The Littlest Hobo

Visitors are advised to carry a supply of cough mixture in the northern tundra, as several travellers have been detained just for feeling a little husky.
You are all figments of my imagination!
When Jesus died it took him 3 days to respawn due to lag."
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